breaking pieces
by Ayalli
Summary: Altered circumstances. Matt grows tired of life at Wammy's--of life in general--and seeks out L in a desperate attempt to understand the reason for his existence. Although he never finds the answer, he does discover a reason to live. Eventual Matt/Light.
1. Prelude

**AN:** I wanted to write angst... And, I've developed a sort of...sick will to see what it would be like to pair Matt and Light together.

...Or, more accurately, I just like slashing Matt with ANYONE.

Just playing around with the pairings, so pretty much anything goes. Also wanted to try writing some Mello/Near, even though I have a slight aversion to it... (Can't keep avoiding what I hate, though.)

**Pairings:** Mentions of Mello/Near, onesided Matt/Mello, and onesided Beyond/L. Possible onesided Near/Matt or eventual onesided Mello/Matt. Eventual, dysfunctional Matt/Light. There's also Linda (who doesn't get paired up with anyone 8D). Oh, and, of course, Matt and Beyond friendship.

**Warnings:** Altered circumstances (really altered). Messed-up plot and relationships. Angst (lots of it). Strong language. Um, sexual situations maybe? Iunno. Oh, and, of course, as always, possible ooc-ness as well as blood/gore if I can fit it in. Artistic liberties with characters that aren't really developed (i.e. Linda, Beyond, Matt, etc.) Rating subject to change. Read at your own discretion.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Death Note, everyone would be messed up and there would be 33.1% more angst! Also, Linda would have had a bigger role.

Critiques on my writing would be nice. And, do tell me if I start going overboard with the angst. (Going overboard with angst usually ruins said angst, and of course I don't want to do that.)

* * *

"Hey, Near," Matt says, in greeting, coming up to him in the common room, "you're good at puzzles, aren't you?" He is holding the remnants of his gameboy in his hands.

"I do consider myself proficient at puzzles, yes." Near is building a tower with his blocks and doesn't even look up. "However, if you are requesting that I help you put your game back together, I will have to decline. Even if I am able to place the pieces back in their proper places, it will still remain broken."

Matt sighs. "Well, yeah, I know, but... It can't hurt to try... can it?"

"If it cannot be fixed, there's no point in trying."

Matt feels a twinge, almost similiar to annoyance, at that but does not comment on it. Instead, he simply walks away, knowing that he would not receive the help that he so dearly craved from the young, white-haired boy. Truly, the redhead does not fully understand Near's words. He only has a vague recognition, a shallow understanding, of them.

And, because Near is unwilling to help, Matt searches out other residents in hopes that they would be different.

-

"Linda," he whines, sticking his head into her room. "Linda, will you help me fix--"

"No."

"I didn't even finish my sentence."

"Whatever it is, the answer is still no. I can't fix jackshit, you know that, Matt."

When Linda has her mind made up about something, she will not change it for the universe, and especially not for one little red-haired, goggle-wearing boy, even if he is one of her best friends.

Sighing, Matt leaves, clutching the broken pieces tightly in his hands as he seeks another to help him.

-

He dawdles when he passes L's door, half hoping that the detective would come out and ask him what is wrong, half wishing that the detective would stay inside and just ignore the footsteps outside his door as he always did.

After a couple moments, the door remains closed and Matt continues on his way.

-

The door is ajar, as it always is.

"Beyond?" Matt calls, almost tentative. Beyond's room is different from the other children's, not simply because he is one of the first (of Wammy's residents, of L's successors). Beyond is _different_ from the other children. "Beyond, you in here?"

Matt finds Beyond sitting on the windowsill, staring out at the field below, almost unnaturally still.

"Beyond?"

No response.

The redhead gulps, a bit disconcerted, and moves closer to the window, so as to get a better look at what exactly it is that had Beyond so captivated.

"They're playing football," Beyond says, suddenly.

Matt starts, almost falling over in surprise.

"Look," he points at a brown-haired teen giving orders to the rest, "isn't it stupid?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Arthur's always been a bit of a bully."

Beyond laughs softly. It is a strange sound, almost sympathetic, but not quite. "Alternate is such a little scaredy-cat, isn't he?"

"Really? I don't see it." Arthur has never seemed to be that kind of person to Matt, but, then again, he has never been as good at understanding others as Beyond is. "Anyway, Beyond, I came here to ask you a favor..."

"You want me to help you fix your gameboy."

"Uh. Yeah. How'd you know?"

"You're holding the pieces."

"Oh, right." Matt has never been quite as observant as Beyond is either. "Well, will you? Help me, I mean."

"I'll help you put the pieces back together, but there's no guarantee that it'll work again."

Again, Matt feels a twinge of irritation at the words for reasons he cannot define. "You sound a lot like Near." He shifts from one foot to another, uncomfortable.

"Near didn't agree to help you, did he?"

"No, he didn't."

Beyond smiles and quietly relinquishes the broken parts from Matt's hands.

-

By the time Matt returns to his room, Mello's rage has evaporated, and he has become fully absorbed in studying, sitting calmly at the desk, scribbling down pages of notes.

The redhead greets him with a small, "Hi, Mello," receiving only a grunt in reply.

Well, the situation isn't anything new, and at least the blonde isn't throwing punches, or just throwing things in general, anymore.

To Matt, Mello is his best friend.

To Mello, Matt is his roommate.

Knowing this fact doesn't bother Matt as much as he knows it should. The redhead contents himself with knowing that he is the one that understands the blonde the best. Matt isn't good at reading most people, but he is great at reading Mello.

And, the redhead has discovered that the most important thing about Mello is that he has a series of obsessions.

Of course, these obsessions hadn't occurred all at once. They built up over time, eventually filling his heart to the brim so that, by the time Matt came around, there is no room for anything else.

First, there is God.

Mello practically prays every spare moment he can get, holding onto his rosary as if it is his lifeline.

(Those are the times when Matt does not understand Mello the most.)

Second, there is L.

Mello practically worships the ground that the detective walks on, hanging on his every word almost as if L is God.

(It wouldn't be a surprise to Matt if he found out that Mello does think of L as a God.)

Third, there is Near.

Mello practically works himself to death simply for the day that he would defeat the little white-haired boy and finally obtain the title of number one.

(Matt thinks it's a pipe dream--Near is on a whole different level--but of course he never voices his opinion.)

And, if there is room for a fourth obsession, it would definitely be chocolate.

Mello practically lives off the stuff.

(Matt tries to tell him it's unhealthy, but he usually only receives a glare in response.)

So, of course, there isn't any room for Matt, even as just a simple friend.

(But, Matt doesn't really mind.)

Matt is perfectly fine with just being the friends of Linda and Beyond and an almost-friend of Near.

(Honestly, he is, no matter what Linda or Beyond or Near might think.)

* * *

**AN:** Symbolism? What symbolism?

-dodges tomatoes-

I've written the next chapter already, but that will be updated... when I finish the chapter after that, since I don't want to be inconsistent and update really quickly before suddenly go on an unplanned, months-long hiatus (like I do with nearly all of my other multi-chaptered stuff) because I'm such a procrastinator.

In other words, expect the next update sometime next week.


	2. One

**AN:** Official chapter 1! (The chapter before this is only a prelude. x3)

Boring chapter about Wammy's. Things will get more exciting later. Promise.

This is not a continuation of the prelude (time-wise).

I'll be doing a lot of time-skipping here.

* * *

Matt doesn't particularly like or dislike L.

Of course, he admires him.

(_Who doesn't_?)

But, Matt dislikes the detective's visits to the orphanage because the only ones he can hang around with that day are Linda and Near.

(Mello is too busy fawning over L.)

(Beyond is too busy stalking and trying to gain the notice of L.)

And, Matt himself makes it a policy to avoid the detective unless absolutely necessary.

(He doesn't fully understand the reason why himself.)

So, when he sees the small, inconspicuous car pull into the driveway, he sighs, knowing that the next few weeks will be boring, spent mostly indoors playing video games while trying to escape notice.

However, Beyond calls for him the day after.

"Hey, Matt," Beyond says, in greeting, accosting the redhead on his way to the next class. He is cradling a jar of strawberry jam with a strange smile on his face. "You want to help me with something?"

"Now?"

"You can skip class."

Matt looks from the jar to Beyond. "You aren't going to...?"

Beyond doesn't answer the question. Instead, he unscrews the lid and presents the jam. "Don't you think it looks like blood?"

"Uh... A bit..."

"Well, I was debating between strawberry jam and tomato juice, but the jam is sweeter." A laugh. "I think L would appreciate it."

"So, this _is_ about L."

"Isn't it always?"

Matt almost assumes it is a hypothetical question, but then he remembers that Beyond is _never_ hypothetical. "Yes. It is always about L. At least, when you're concerned, Beyond."

A tilt of the head and a small smile. "So, are you going to help me, Matt?"

It takes him much less time to answer than he himself expects. "Yeah, I will. But, you aren't going to do anything really drastic, are you?" He eyes the jar of jam suspiciously, as if it is a deadly weapon in disguise.

"Oh, no, no, no. I'm just simply going to redecorate L's room."

-

Matt packs the snow tightly in his hands, being unnaturally meticulous in making it a perfect sphere. Before he is completely satisfied with his finished product, however, he is assaulted by packs of slush, all in varying sizes and shapes.

"Hey! Mello!" he cries, dropping his snowball in surprise.

"It's your own fault you're not ready," Mello quips, with a smirk.

"Well, if you just give me more t--" But, before he can finish, the blonde wanders off in search of new victims.

Sighing, the redhead brushes the snow off himself and heads back indoors. He honestly isn't suited for playing around outside, and he had only done so at Mello's urging (though his roommate had promptly forgotten him as soon as the snowball war started).

He gratefully enters the warm orphanage, peeling off his thick layers of coats and placing them on the hanger to dry. (He has never been so thankful for the fact that Wammy's is wealthy enough to have heaters and ventilation throughout the house.)

As he heads towards his room, returning to his video games, Matt hears a familiar voice resound throughout the halls.

"Merry Christmas," a greeting. Then, another, "Happy Holidays."

When Beyond sees Matt and says the same holiday well-wishings, Matt replies with, "It isn't Christmas yet."

"Ah, the days do not matter. It is the thought that counts."

"I... suppose so," he answers, though he doesn't really understand.

A smile. "Well, I have your Christmas present now..."

Without another word, he takes Matt by the hand and leads the younger boy to a currently unused classroom, closing the door behind them.

"It's a very special present," Beyond says, almost proudly. "And, it's especially for you."

"What is it?"

"A name."

Matt does not comprehend. "A... name...?"

"Yes. It is _his_ name." He does not seem to realize Matt's confusion. "I'll tell it to you. I've never told anyone about the names before, so you'll be the first. That's why it's so special."

"I don't..."

A laugh. Then, as clarification, "Mello's name. I'll tell it to you."

-

The first one that finds Arthur's body is Linda.

She opens the door to his room to find it almost pitch-black, the curtains drawn. It takes a few moments for her eyes to adjust and discover that a rope is tied to the fan with the boy's body hanging off of it.

She closes the door quietly and, with surprising calm, walks to Matt's room.

Pounding on the door, "Hey! Open up!"

Mello opens it, scowling, obviously annoyed. "Damn, Lind--"

Before he could even finish his sentence, Linda had grabbed Matt and pulled him away, leaving a confused Mello behind.

She shows Matt the body, and he almost vomits.

"Wuss," she says, though her tone is flat, without a hint of its usual mirth.

After hacking a bit, Matt replies with, "We should tell Roger."

Linda nods, and, wordlessly, the two go to his office.

"Arthur hung himself," she says to Roger, without the slightest hesitation. Her face is uncharacteristically blank; her voice contains not a trace of emotion. It is almost nonchalant, the way she says it, as if she is merely talking about the weather or playing football.

"Ah, is that s-- Wait, please repeat what you said, Linda."

Dutifully, in the same monotone, "Arthur hung himself."

"Is... is this the truth?"

Looking over his spectacles, Roger stares at both of them critically, veering between surprise and absolute disbelief.

"Linda?"

"Of course," as if it is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Matt?"

The redhead nods, looking sick. "Ye--yeah. H-he was i-in the room. The curtains w-were all drawn, and-- Th-there was th-this r-rope--"

At the thought of the rope along with the dangling body, Matt actually does vomit this time.

-

At the funeral, in an attempt to wipe the memory of the corpse from his mind, Matt allows his mind to wander. He runs through many trivial ideas and thoughts, trying desperately to focus on anything but the coffin.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

Matt starts, whirling around to see the speaker, although he already knows who it is.

As expected, it is Beyond, smiling, as always. The older boy had a knack for sneaking up on people, and Matt had never once not been taken by surprise by his appearance.

"How are you, Matt?"

"Uh, fine."

Looking to the sky, he comments, "It's such a pity, isn't it, to have a funeral on such a nice day?"

Matt, in turn, looks up at the sky. It is sunny and cloudless, the blue stretching infinitely across the horizon. "It _is_ a nice day," the redhead agrees, more than a bit amazed. He remembers that when there is a funeral in a movie or a game, it is always raining, as if the sky itself is crying for the person's death.

"Such a pity," Beyond repeats, almost laughing.

-

"M," he whispers, tracing the letter on Matt's palm.

The redhead stands stockstill, paralyzed with something akin to awe and almost fear.

"I," Beyond continues, writing it out on the other's hand yet again, "H," a pause, "A," another, "E," then, "L."

Matt lets out the breath that he hadn't known he had been holding.

"K," the letters that are being traced seems to embed themselves into his skin, "E," engrave themselves forever into his memories, "E," a small laugh, "H," a long pause, and, finally, "L."

"Mihael Keehl," Beyond says, letting go of Matt.

"Mihael Keehl," he repeats, the words turning over and over again in his mind, "Mihael Keehl."

Beyond smiles.

"Merry Christmas, Matt."

-

Matt has always thought of L and Beyond as intricately connected. He can't think of one without thinking about the other, and it isn't simply just because of Beyond's obviously apparent obsession with the detective. Beyond and L always had something in common, though Matt cannot exactly place what it is. Something, somewhere, in their internal structures are similar, if not exactly the same, is what Matt thinks.

So, it is with considerable surprise that he realizes one day, without warning, that L couldn't stand Beyond, and that if L could hate anyone, it would have to be Beyond.

(It is a strange concept; L does not hate, nor love, nor even _care_.)

Matt has often seen Beyond shadow L when the detective is at the orphanage. He has never thought it strange or particularly unusual; it always happened, after all. But, what Matt had not noticed until recently is that L always, always ignored Beyond. Whether it is actions or words, they are always pointedly overlooked.

Though it is not especially out of character for L to not answer someone, it is a bit surprising to find him do it to this extent, to the point that he practically doesn't even acknowledge the existence of a certain Beyond.

"Beyond, don't you ever feel angry about it?" Matt asks him.

"Of course. I feel angry towards L all the time." He laughs. "Actually, I've never actually _not_ felt angry towards L."

"Then why?"

He tilts his head, as if he doesn't understand the question. "Why what?"

"Why do you continue to follow him?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Matt almost doesn't answer, thinking it is a rhetorical question. (But, of course, Beyond never asks rhetorical questions.) So, shaking his head, he mouths a small, "No. I don't understand."

A smile. "Because I'm obsessed."

-

For once, Beyond's actions do not surprise Matt.

When the redhead goes to Beyond's room, to find the door strangely closed, he is not surprised. Somehow, he has been anticipating this, and he already knows what to expect. However, despite that, Matt still pauses before opening it, still pauses to reorganize his thoughts, to prepare himself for the inevitable.

Taking a deep breath, he turns the handle and swings the door open.

The room is empty.

Everything that Beyond owns is still there, scattered in their usual places, but Beyond himself is long gone.

Matt wanders into the room, a lot less hesitant than when Beyond had been around. Looking around, he immediately finds what he has been expecting on the bed.

It is his gameboy.

Beyond had kept his promise and fixed it. And, though the cracks are still visible, the pieces does not separate and seems to have been glued powerfully together. (Of course, it doesn't work anymore, but Matt hadn't really expected it to, in the first place.)

Next to the gameboy is a small note, written in Beyond's neat, beautiful script.

_Dear Matt_

* * *

**AN:** Next chapter will be much of the same thing, except more focused on Matt's relationship with everyone else. (I know my pacing is a bit slow, but going too fast is a bit of a pet peeve to me, so...) The chapter after that is when things will start to pick up. I've already got most of it planned out too.

If you sense choppiness, it is due to all of these being written at different times, over the course of a few months.

And, next chapter is already written. I'll post it... maybe next week. Depending on how far I get with the chapter after that. (I want at least some semblance of consistent updates with this, so I don't want to fall behind on working on future chapters.)


	3. Two

**AN:** Whoo! Chapter 2! Still Wammy's-era. Next chapter will hopefully start picking up and giving you guys more idea of what the actual plot will be.

Oh, also, please note that some of these were at first intended for the first chapter, so please excuse any continuity errors and choppiness. If you do spot any continuity errors, however, please point them out to me. I want to fix them!

Like the last chapter, expect lots of time-skipping here.

Also, I kinda forgot to say this last chapter (-fail-), but thank you for story alerting, favoriting, and/or reviewing! I really, really, really appreciate it! Every single story alert/favorite makes me extremely happy because I know someone is actually interested enough in this train wreck to read further. Believe it or not, it really helps fuel my ego (which shouldn't exactly be a good thing but oh well xD).

And, for those that are simply reading and have no intention of coming back after this, I would like to thank you all as well for wasting about thirty minutes of your life on my horrible writing. (I swear this isn't sarcasm.)

* * *

It is a hot, smoldering summer.

Just the sort of thing that Matt hates.

It seems that, at times like these, everything loses their appeal. The house is stifling, suffocating, and there never seems to be anything particularly interesting to do. Not that anyone would actually _want_ to do anything, in this weather.

Matt finds Linda sprawled out under the air conditioner in the common room, an exaggerated picture of fatigue.

He goes over and says, "Scoot over a little, will you?"

She grunts, unmoving.

He pushes her a bit.

She, in turn, swats his hands away. "Too much effort!"

"For what?"

"Everything."

He sighs. "So, you're just going to lie here for the whole day?"

"What else is there to do?" she whines. "It's too hot! Roger needs to stop being so damn cheap and spring for more air condit--" She stops, mid-word, and, without warning, leaps to her feet.

"...Linda...?"

"I've got a great idea, Matt!"

Matt is obviously skeptical; Linda's great ideas usually aren't so great.

Without another word, she grabs him by the collar and drags him away.

"Hey! Wait--! Linda!"

She ignores his cries of frustration and continues to lug him around until they came to a stop in front of the giant, wooden door that led to the kitchens. Finally, she lets go, dropping him with a _thud_.

"--Ow!"

"Pussy."

He is intelligent enough not to retaliate, knowing that Linda had quite the vicious left hook. Instead, he asks, "What're you going to do?"

She grins. "I'm not going to do anything," she points to the padlock, "_you_ are."

A groan. "_Linda_."

The padlock had been put in by Roger after the chocolate and jam that had been stocked in the pantry began disappearing. A lot of money had been wasted replenishing the supplies whenever the sweets vanished. In the end, the caretaker had decided that "enough is enough" and that there needed to be some way to "keep those damn brats out". The newly installed lock seems to work on the chocolate thief. The jam thief, on the other hand, much to Roger's dismay, had found new, interesting ways to get into the kitchens. The thieving hadn't stopped until...

Snapping him out of his reverie, "Come on. Don't be such a wuss."

Matt sighs, exasperated, but, nevertheless, rumages through his pockets, coming out with a paperclip, and proceeds to pick the padlock.

A few moments later, a _click_ indicated that the lock had been successfully picked.

He slips it off the handle and pushes the door open. "There. Happy?"

Linda ignores him completely, going straight to the refrigerator without the slightest bit of reserve. Acting like she had every right to be in the off-limits kitchens, she relinquishes a box from the fridge.

"Get in here, scaredy-cat," she says, beckoning Matt over with one hand as her other reaches into the box.

With considerably more anxiety than Linda had displayed, Matt shuffles over. "What--"

She interrupts him with a sardonic glare before pulling out a popsicle. "Does this answer your question?" she says. And, Linda, being Linda, had absolutely no reservations about eating the popsicle, even with the risk of Roger's displeasure.

Before Matt could argue, she presents one to him as well.

"Present," she mumbles.

"For what?"

"Your birthday," was the answer, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world.

"My birthday is in--"

"February. The first. I know. Belated or early. Whichever one."

Surprised that Linda remembers the month _and_ day of his birthday, Matt accepts the popsicle without any further protest.

Smirking, "This really was a great idea, wasn't it?"

-

Matt does not usually venture to the foreign universe known as the "library". It is simply not within his nature to travel to a place filled with books, which he likes to think of as cleverly disguised torture devices.

However, on this particular autumn afternoon, the redhead had a sudden, uncharacteristic compulsion to actually _read_. So, with that, he journeys down unfamiliar hallways to arrive at the door that led to a world that he, up till now, had no wish to fully become acquainted with.

Unexpectedly, Matt hears quite a bit of noise on the other side. A fight, it seems to be. Before he could open the door and find out for himself, though, it bursts open, revealing a very angry Mello. And, as if he does not see the redhead, the blonde stomps past him, fuming.

Considerably curious, books forgotten, Matt enters the library and realizes immediately what had been the source of Mello's aggravation.

_Near._

The young, white-haired boy is on the floor, hair messy and disheveled, with fallen books and scattered pages all around him.

"Hello," Matt greets, as he sidles over.

Near glances at him, muttering a small, "Hello," before returning to his task of cleaning up after Mello's path of destruction.

The redhead bends down and picks up the nearest book (_Great Expectations_ by Charles Dickens), placing it on the table. "I'll help," he offers.

Near looks almost like he is about to reject the offer but seems to stop himself before the words leave his mouth.

Taking his silence as a confirmation, Matt gathers as much of the fallen books he can handle before dumping them in a haphazard pile on the chairs. And, picking up the remaining crumpled papers that had been ripped out of the books, he carefully smoothes them out on the table and says, "We should start with this. Get the papers that can be salvaged," in other words: that haven't been ripped into pieces, "and try to patch them back up in the book."

He waits for any sign of acknowledgement from Near but receives none. So, after a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, Matt proceeds to attempt to fix the books himself and return them to their proper places. He intentionally shuffles around unneccessarily, creating much more noise than needed; the quiet is simply too disconcerting for him.

Finally, Near speaks, and the words he says are unexpected.

"I don't like Mello."

Matt stops in his tracks, surprised. He is more than a bit discomforted by the words, though he does not exactly understand why. In the end, all he replies with is a small, "Oh." He does not know what else to say.

"I honestly do not like him, Matt," Near repeats, as if he suspects that the redhead does not believe him.

"Uh. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say, Near."

Matt finds himself consciously suppressing a shudder when he meets the eyes of the white-haired boy. In their usual grey, fathomless depths, Matt senses a spark of fire--one that scares him with its implications.

-

Matt has never particularly cared for birthdays, even his own (though he did consider it pretty cool to be born on the first day of the month; Matt had never been _first_ with anything except this). It is a irrelevant part of people's lives. He does not really understand why people are always so interested in it. (If it's about getting older, then isn't everyone getting older every single _day_? Why don't they celebrate it every day then?)

Of course, the main subject that Matt does not understand about his birthdays are why he himself are so interested in them. Logical reasoning dictates that it is pointless to get so excited over such a simple day as the day of his birth, but he gets excited over it anyway.

It isn't because of the presents. (He never really gets any, though Linda continues to make half-hearted attempts.)

And, of course, it isn't because of the age. (Who really cares here at Wammy's, anyway?)

Even so...

"I'm thirteen today," he says to Mello.

"Great."

The lack of enthusiasm doesn't escape Matt's notice, but he doesn't comment on it, knowing that it is simply just Mello's way.

He leaves the room and seeks out Linda. (He almost goes to Beyond's room first, but then he remembers that Beyond isn't _here_ anymore; the thought almost makes him feel lonely--almost.)

"I'm thirteen today."

Linda looks at him and replies with an, "Oh! Yeah, it is, isn't it?" as if she had completely forgotten it up until that moment. (Linda probably had; she could scarcely remember her own birthday, much less anyone else's.)

Matt nods, "Uh-huh," and waits for the inevitable.

Linda doesn't disappoint.

She grabs him by his shirt collar and drags him to her room. Letting him drop with typical callousness, she shifts through her toy trunks, searching for a suitable present.

Finally, "Ah, here!"

Matt is almost afraid to look; Linda's presents always had a tendency to be... slightly undesirable.

Linda smirks at his discomfort and roughly shoves the "present" into the boy's hands.

"It's..." Matt tries to think of an accurate description of the object, but all he manages is, "it's orange."

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, Matt, it's orange."

He opens his mouth to retort, but, even then, he cannot think about anything to say, so he simply stares at the thing in his hands.

"Just put it on!"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." It is an immediate answer; Matt hadn't expected anything less.

"But..."

Linda crosses her arms impatiently.

He tries again. "But... but... it's _orange_!"

"It's a pair of damn goggles!"

"I... I think that's the problem."

Frustrated, Linda ignores Matt's protests and grabs the goggles out of his hands, putting it on his head with a _snap_. "There! Now, was that so hard?"

Matt almost says that it is much too humiliating to wear such a thing and that he will not accept it, but then he remembers that it is _Linda_ that he is talking to and replies instead with, "How long will I have to wear them?"

It is another immediate answer.

"For the rest of your life."

Of course, Matt never expected anything less from Linda.

-

It is the second time Beyond has not surprised him with his actions.

Matt peers at the television, listening with half-hearted interest to the American news reporter. It isn't like he hasn't heard it all before. The investigators, the crime scenes, and all the evidence had already been circulated around Wammy's weeks before, back when the case had first been solved. The only reason that Matt continues to watch the news about the case is because he feels a sort of twisted, rapt fascination with what Beyond had done.

(It might possibly be because it is one of the last connections he has to Beyond left.)

Matt has to admit that Beyond has outdone himself this time. He had always been trying to get L's attention, to get his interest, and this almost-perfect crime had obtained what he had so desired. Perfect and efficient as always, but, nevertheless, Beyond can still never win against L, who is infallible, perfect--practically a god.

Even so, Matt has to admit that Beyond's work is amazing, and if that Japanese investigator had been a little less lucky, and if Beyond had been a little more serious, there would've been no doubt of who would have turned out to be the winner.

_The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases_

The redhead is almost surprised to discover that Beyond losing to L had been more of a shock to him than Beyond actually committing a crime in the first place. (It seems that Matt had almost been _expecting_ Beyond to commit a crime and the fact that the murders were absolutely gruesome are not out of context with Beyond's personality.)

Beyond's attempted suicide had not surprised him either.

It is so like Beyond, in fact, that Matt even briefly wonders why he hadn't done it sooner.

"After Beyond Birthday is deemed well enough to leave the hospital, he will be sent to a local sanitarioum and tested for mental irregularities. Depending on the situation, he will be sent to a maximum security prison in..."

Matt's mind wanders again, flashing back to the picture of the final crime scene--the floor, burnt from the fire, and a small, gaping hole where the last straw doll had been nailed.

Strange. It almost feels like a goodbye.

* * *

**AN:** Whoa, lots of Linda here. Well, she is a bit of a dominating person, after all.

Next chapter: official start of plot! (Although it's not really any much more exciting, it does get the gears rolling and sets the pace for future chapters.) I've already written it, and it'll definitely be up next week. (The chapter after that, however, is a complete blank slate. I probably won't get to that one until after November because I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year.)


	4. Three

**AN:** Okay, I suppose this is the right time to give another warning...

If you started reading this because you expected fluff/romantic...stuffs, then turn away now! This will probably be the last chapter with cute-ish!Matt; the next chapters will contain really-super-cynical!Matt, emotionless!L, and, of course, cold-hearted-bastard!Light.

Still following me?

Well, here's the short version: no real romance (sure there's pairings and such, but none of that "love" stuff, really). And, optimism? What optimism? (And, in case you're wondering, yes, I made the summary purposely misleading; I'm just evil like that. xD)

...There's also some strong language near the end of this chapter. (I feel like I just made a really, really horrible pun without intending to.) And, Matt sorta has mood swings. Yeah.

**Alternate Summary:** In which everyone is a cynic and the end of the world as we know it is imminent.

Also, finally! No time-skipping! Not to worry, everything in this chapter is in sequential order! :D

* * *

His blood runs cold at the words.

They are simple, concise, devoid of emotion.

_Beyond Birthday_

_January 21, 2004: dead of a heart attack._

Matt wants to doubt the statement, wants to believe--pretend--that it isn't true. But, he knows that it is true, that there could be no mistake.

He almost believes that he is about to cry.

But, his eyes stay dry, and, in truth, the redhead feels something akin to apathy, a detached acceptance.

_Beyond is dead._

-

Matt pokes his head into Linda's room, watching as she put streaks of yellow on canvas. He waits for her to finish before entering.

"Linda," he says, quietly, "Beyond is dead."

She turns to look at him, her expression unreadable. "How?"

"Heart attack."

"Kira?" It is a common name in the orphanage now since L took the case.

Matt shrugs. "Probably."

"What're you going to do then?"

He does not answer because he has not thought of it yet.

After a few moments, Linda returns to her painting, swirling a strange mixture of black and red to form a dull color, almost like blood. She splatters the paper with it, substituting the original peaceful atmosphere with a cheerless, dark one.

Suddenly, "I'm going to leave."

"Is that so?" She does not sound surprised. "What about Mello?"

A sigh. "I'm tired."

"Of?"

"Tired of everything. I'm tired of Wammy's, of L, of Near, of Mello." A small pause. "I'm tired of life."

"You're not even fourteen yet."

"I know," he replies, softly, "I don't understand... about life... about anything... So... I'm leaving. I... I'll go and find L."

Linda understands. She always understands. "L knows everything, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Are you going to tell anyone else?"

"No."

"This isn't a goodbye, you know."

He nods in agreement. "This isn't a goodbye."

A short silence.

Then, "So, see you later, Matt."

"Yeah." A smile. "See you later, Linda."

-

Matt decides to bring only his laptop.

He leaves all of his precious games behind. They suddenly feel meaningless, without value, and the brief thought, _"What have I been doing for all these years?"_ flashes through his mind when he looks at them. But, even so, almost as an afterthought, Matt takes the broken gameboy that Beyond had fixed for him. He suddenly realizes that it holds some mysterious importance to him.

Without a word, or even a letter, to Mello, Matt leaves, not bothering to even look back at their shared room--which now feels so dark and cold to him.

-

Near is there at the grand entrance, waiting for him.

Matt finds that he is not all that surprised to see the younger boy. "Hello," he says, in greeting.

"Hello," the other replies, voice slightly softer and quieter than usual.

"I'm going to leave."

At that, Near clutches his shirt even tighter with his pale hands, but, otherwise, as always, his face displays a complete lack of any emotions. "Why?"

Matt doesn't really know how to answer that. Even though there had been many reasons why he had decided on this course of action, he couldn't remember a single one. So, in the end, he merely returns the question with a, "Why not?"

A silence hangs in the air at that, one that is more than a bit unnerving.

Finally, "Because I don't want you to."

The only thing that Matt replies with is, "Oh." He has no idea what else to say.

Near seems to get visibly agitated at the lack of response. And, after several moments of shuffling, repeats, "I don't want you to leave, Matt."

The use of his name makes Matt uncomfortable, and he drops eye contact, glancing towards the floor, finding that he is unable to hold Near's emotionless gaze any longer. "I've already decided."

"Then change it."

Still not looking up, Matt shakes his head. "I won't. I've already decided."

Nothing is said for a while after that, and the quiet starts getting under the redhead's skin, forcing him to consciously suppress a shudder. Suddenly, Near is right by his side, having moved so silently that Matt had not heard a thing.

Near seems to reach for Matt's hand, but, as if changing his mind, he stops midway and grabs Matt's shirt instead, almost clinging to it. "Please, don't go," he whispers, solemnly.

"I can't--"

"_Please_."

That one word, spoken with such uncharacteristic passion, shocks Matt and sends his emotions reeling. Thousands of different thoughts and feelings seem to flood his mind in an instant, and he feels as if he is drowning. But, even despite the confusion, one emotion stands out.

Anger that is bordering on hatred.

It is the anger that Matt has always tried to ignore, tried to pretend that he doesn't have. It is the anger that Matt has concealed tightly behind an indifferent exterior, one that he has made sure--time and again--to keep securely stuffed in a bottle. It is the anger that has festered and grown, turning into a monster and devouring his flesh.

It is an anger that has exploded all at once, that sends such overwhelming disgust and hatred into his mind. And, all other emotions are discarded in that moment, leaving only a cold fire behind.

Matt wrenches Near's hand away from him, sending the younger boy tumbling to the ground. "_Don't_," he says, voice as cold as ice, "Begging won't get you anywhere, Near."

A brief flicker of shock flashes across Near's face before he calms and the usual passive mask returns. "Matt..."

"No, Near," he cuts in, before the other could continue, "I'm leaving, and nothing you or anyone says will stop me."

A barely noticeable pause. Then, "Even Mello?"

Matt opens his mouth to say, "Damn Mello to Hell," but, even in anger, the redhead had enough self-restraint to reconsider and replies instead with, "Especially Mello."

At that, Near studies Matt's face intently, as if in disbelief. "I... I don't understand."

Matt actually laughs--a grating sound without a hint of mirth. And, as quickly the horrible laughter had started, he stops, face returning to a slight frown. "I can't stand it anymore. This house, the people... I can't stand them. And, I can't stand feeling so _worthless_ all of the time."

"You're not worthless."

That sentence dissipitates his coldness, replacing it with absolute fury. "I don't need you to tell me that!" he snaps, fire coursing through his veins. "I _know_ I'm not worthless! I know I'm at least slightly important, if not to Wammy's then to Linda," _and Beyond_, "But, I _feel_ worthless, dammit! I feel like trash, like I'm hardly better than _dirt_!" His body seems to move on its own, and he advances towards Near. "And, you know _what_ is making me feel this way? It's _you_ and that fucking _bastard_ of a roommate!"

"I--"

Matt grabs Near by the neck and slams the white-haired boy back into a wall. "Why is it always _you_? Wammy's, Mello... Why are you able to get everything without any effort? _Why_?"

Near is frozen in shock and horror, unable to escape. Hands are squeezing at his neck, not enough to choke him but enough to cause discomfort. "Matt... Matt..."

Without warning, the redhead lets go, and Near collapses on the floor, coughing.

"Why is it that I am never able to achieve what I want but you are, Near?" Matt's voice has downgraded to a whisper. His anger is completely gone and his other emotions seem to have shattered with it, leaving behind only a cruel apathy.

"You're wrong, Matt," Near replies, lifting his head up to meet the other's gaze, "I... I have never been able to achieve what I truly wanted."

"Is that so?" There is no disbelief, no incredulity, in his words. There is no feelings at all.

"Matt..." Near gets to his feet and finds, to his surprise, that he is shaking. He is afraid of this new Matt that is so similiar yet different to the old one.

"I'm leaving," the redhead says, with finality.

"Matt, I--"

He cuts the other off with a smile. It is an empty smile, one that chills Near to the bone. "I understand," he says, as if he truly does understand.

At that, the younger boy finds that he is unable to speak, even though he has so much more to say. So, wordlessly, Near watches as Matt walks away, from the orphanage, from _him_. And, it is only until he hears the _click_ of the door being closed does he crumple silently to the floor. It is only until Matt is already gone, far far away, that Near is able to say what he had been wanting to all along.

"I'm sorry, Matt. I'm sorry."

* * *

**AN:** ...I wonder if it's obvious that I'm a total Matt/Near fan. xD  
Don't worry, though, this (most likely) won't affect how Matt/Light will play out.

I don't really like this chapter, though. Lots of awkward word choices (or, at least, more than usual). D:

It's also shorter than the others, but... Can't be helped, I guess. I predict that the next chapter will be fairly short too.

Oh, and, speaking of the next chapter, as mentioned, I am participating in NaNoWriMo, so updates for November will probably be pretty much nonexistent. So, the next chapter will probably be long in coming. Sorry!

And, and, as always, thanks for the support (whether reviews, alerts, or favorites); I really, really appreciate it~!


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